Dear Ann Landers:

My loving, laughing mother passed away recently after a short bout with cancer. Helping care for her was a privilege, but I encountered a lot of well-meaning but less-than-helpful assistance from the people around us. May I offer some advice to your readers:

• Don't visit unannounced. Please call ahead.

• Don't send “get well” cards to a person who is not going to get well. Don’t write to tell us how sad you are. Such messages upset my mother who was having enough trouble dealing with her own sadness. Send a funny or happy note. Or better yet, share a funny memory.

• Don't call on the phone and cry. I cannot tell you how many people did this to my mother and me. Please call when you are able to be upbeat and offer a sick person some cheerful diversion.

• Don't send patients candy or rich foods they are unable to eat. Ask what the patient can have and offer to prepare something light and nourishing. Homemade soups are always a treat.

• Don't say, “If there is anything I can do, please let me know.” I heard this dozens of times, and it always sounded phony. Cook or bake something. Drop off a humorous book or a funny video. Come over and visit the caretaker if the patient is gravely ill. Caretakers get lonely and depressed and can use a lift.

If you feel awkward and don’t know what to say or do, be honest and say just that. We can then help you so you will know how to help US through a difficult time. —Missing Mom in L.A.

Dear Missing Mom: So many people who mean well often say and do the wrong thing around the terminally ill. You have made a meaningful contribution, and I thank you.

If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, Fulfill ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love…” - Philippians 2:1,2