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Bum Phillips, former coach of the Houston Oilers and Tennessee Titans once said, “There are two types of coaches in the NFL: them that have been fired, and them that are gonna be fired.” His statement applies to the topic of grief. There are two types of people in the world: those who grieve and those who will grieve. We can’t escape it; therefore, we should prepare of it.
What are some considerations for one facing grief?
It is normal to feel, and acceptable to express grief.
Some well-meaning people tell us that we should not grieve; however, tears are not shameful. Christians are not immune from grief just because they do not sorrow as those that “have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). While we all want to avoid being a public spectacle, grieving in an appropriate manner is expected.
The Bible acknowledges that we will grieve. It is silly to suggest that we should not. The great saints of the Bible knew grief.
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Jacob “mourned for his son many days” (Genesis 37:34).
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Abraham mourned the passing of Sarah (Genesis 23:2).
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Isaac was still grieving three years after his mother’s death (Genesis 24:67).
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David wept when his friend Jonathan died (2 Samuel 1:12).
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Job rent his robe and shaved his head at the loss of his children (Job 1:20).
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Scripture describes Jesus as “a man of sorrows,” (Isaiah 53:3) who wept at the grave of Lazarus (John 11:35).
Grief is a natural response; it is the way God made us. The Creator put eternity in our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11 ASV). Creatures that care naturally hurt when they lose the object of their love. In fact, researchers from the Medical College of Virginia concluded that the death of a close relative is the single biggest contributor to depression. Risk of depression is increased by:
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serious illness, 330%
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divorce/breakup, 1,130%
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serious marital problem and assault, 1,400%
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the death of a close relative 1,500%.1
It is acceptable for men to cry.
The Bible does not discourage weeping. Romans 12:15 even encourages believers “to weep with them that weep.” Jesus did not hold back His tears at Lazarus’ grave (John 11:35). Joseph and David, two heroes of the Old Testament, wept in public (Genesis 45:2; 2 Samuel 12:22).
The first mourning recorded in the Bible is Abraham “mourning and weeping” when he lost Sarah (Genesis 23:2). What’s the difference in mourning and weeping? Weeping is a personal response to grief, while mourning (lamenting) at that time was frequently a ceremony that involved rending clothes, beating the breasts, and the tearing of hair. We do not know how long Abraham mourned, but at Jacob’s death his children mourned for seven days (Genesis 50:10).
Weeping is natural, healthy, and necessary. William H. Frey of Health Partners Dry Eye and Tear Research Center in St. Paul, Minnesota, provided a revealing study on tears.
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Tears are caused by three sources—79% out of sadness, 20% out of happiness, and 0.5% out of anger.
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On the average, women cry five times a month, and four times more often than men.
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Only 4% of women say they don’t cry at all, but a whopping 45% of men say they don’t cry at all.
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For those who cry, 85% of women and 73% of men reported they feel better after crying. Women are more likely to cry when they are angry, but anger inhibits crying in men.2
Tears, paradoxically, actually help a person pull together. Crying is crucial to the recovery process. Those who can cry get things off their chest sooner, get back on their feet quicker, and get on with their life faster than those who keep emotions bottled up.
Do not set a timetable for when your grief should end, but know that however long it lasts, it is temporary (2 Corinthians 4:17).
Psalm 30 sings of the hope that transforms our grief: “Sing unto the Lord, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness. For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Psalm 30:4–5). Moses’ Law allowed the Jews to express grief in some of the same ways as the heathen nations around them. For instance, they could cry, wail, and wear sackcloth and ashes. They were forbidden, however, to cut themselves, which was common in the Middle East. Why was this? Some suggest that it has to do with the temporary nature of mourning. A cut will leave a scar—and God did not want them scarred by their losses. He wants us to mourn but then to go on with our service to Him and others.
Get back to everyday routines, but stay away from the stressful situations.
Familiar habits can be very comforting. Your nerves are raw; your emotions are sensitive. Turn off the TV news reports and distract yourself by doing something you enjoy. Paul’s advice is good to take to heart at such a time: “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things” (Philippians 4:8).
Don’t neglect your health.
Grieving can be physically draining, especially when dealing with entertaining guests and making difficult decisions. “Respect your mind and your body,” writes Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. DeVries, “The acronym DEER (drink, eat, exercise, rest) may help you stay focused on taking care of yourself.”3 There’s something comforting about food and rest. When David’s infant son died David took care of himself physically. He cleaned up, shaved, and asked for food. When Elijah was depressed the angel of the Lord came and said, in effect, “Get up and eat something,” and he cooked him a meal over hot coals. The Bible says that he was strengthened by that food (1 Kings 19:8).
Endnotes
1Psychology Today 11–12/95.
2Los Angeles Times 3/10/97.
3The Empty Chair: Handling Grief on Holidays and Special Occasions (Baker Books).